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Time Traveling Teens Seek Asylum in 2010
A group of adolescent time travelers from the future visited 2010 to have lunch at McDonalds as part of a high school field trip. The purpose of the trip according to the teacher chaperone, Gamino Gallon, was to teach the children about the poor eating habits of their ancestors.
Instead, the students fell in love with French fries and were refusing to get back in the time machine and go home. One of the students, Kimberlee Jones, was quoted, “My mother makes me eat bioengineered spinach every day. If I have to go back home I’ll just die.” The entire group is petitioning the government for asylum claiming a return to the future would be a sure death sentence.
Jolie-Pitts “Over the Moon” About First Alien Adoption
A representative for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt has exclusively informed Vicarious Living that the happy couple has adopted their first alien. The baby girl from Betelguese will be named Apricot Jolie-Pitt. Little Apricot will join her fifteen human brothers and sisters adopted from all parts of the globe.
Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Abducted by Aliens
The latest in a series of disappearances occurred this morning when Autumn Bloom, star of the Last Story Ever Told blockbusters was a no show at her morning Bikram yoga. Says yoga instructor George Payne, “Autumn hasn’t missed a class in five years. I even went to her house. I know she’s been abducted because she left behind her beloved teacup Maltese, Guido. The poor guy even missed his daily massage. Oh, and there was this kind of weird silver glitter dust on the sheets. I think they zapped her with their evil space ray-guns and that’s all that’s left.”
Diablow Industries Unveils New Infuriating Vehicle (NIV v.2.0)
The geniuses that brought underwater texting and reusable silverware to the universe, have just unveiled their newest inspired invention: The NIV v. 2.0—an interstellar compact saucer* with an all-new, patented camouflage shield. The skin of the ship mimics the space behind, rendering the ship completely invisible. The shields come on automatically when the vehicle reaches one-half the speed of light regardless of whether or not the pilot wants them activated.
If the pilot manually overrides the sensory shields, she is subjected to the sound of her mother deriding her newest haircut, choice of boyfriend or complaining that she doesn’t call often enough and cannot imagine why this would be. The carping increases in volume until the pilot either reinstates or there is a mutiny and she spends the remainder of the flight bound and gagged. (Note: duct tape not included except in the NIV v.2.0 L luxury edition).
Recession Results in Hollywood Name Shortage
Names in Hollywood are becoming an outdated accessory. In the beginning, entertainers had at least two names, sometimes three, the more names the better, especially if they were highly Anglicized. Then the people with two or three names became passé; if you had only one name it meant you’d made it—Cher, Bono, Sting, etc. Not to be outdone, Prince had the idea that an unpronounceable symbol was even better than a one-word moniker.
Logically, the only place to go from there is toward no name at all. The companies hired to put together the credit lists at the end of movies are lobbying Congress against this dangerous trend. The general public, however, is happy because the credit lists are way too long, and Hollywood is coercing filmgoers to stay and watch them by inserting bloopers or other important scenes during or after the credits. This annoying practice would be rendered unnecessary if the credits weren’t longer than the actual film.
War Against Weapons
The Intergalactic Council on Disintegrating Weaponry has ruled that individuals are allowed to carry ray guns so long as they only kill one living entity with each laser blast. The new models where an entire collection of beings may be disintegrated with one lazy press of a finger were only approved for use by the military or organized crime.
Disorganized crime syndicates were expressly forbidden to use the Wide-ranging Weapons of Monumental Destruction (WWMD’s) as they will not learn to properly store the weapons in a tidy manner. Galactic poetry sensation and ardent supporter of No Rules About Arms (NRA squared),
Cold Cream Erases Woman’s Face
Former prom Queen, Victoria Pemberly of Provo, Utah was sick and tired of people confusing her with her six month old shar pei, Muffy. A neighbor of Victoria’s, Mr. Harold Flame said of Ms. Pemberly, “Truth is, if I had to pick one to date, it’d be the dog.”
The last straw was when her own daughter took Muffy on a Princess cruise to the Mexican Riviera for what was to be Victoria’s fifty-fifth birthday present.
Plastic Surgeon to the Stars or Instrument of the Devil?
Penelope Barnes, the “go to gal” for plastic surgery amongst the Hollywood elite has made a pact with Satan, claims ugly woman Myriam Snoutman of Long Beach, CA. Many agree with Ms. Snoutman’s concerns that the movie stars we are forced to idolize these days may be “as ugly as sin.”
Says Ms. Snoutman, “In the old days, people in movies and TV were attractive. We knew we could never look like them, and we accepted that fact. We also knew they were genetically bound to have attractive offspring. What is this world coming to? Stars, more likely to reproduce than their ordinary looking counterparts due to a plethora of sex available from groupies and gold-diggers, will give birth to ugly children, and we’ll be left with an entire planet of humans needing plastic surgery. No one will be safe! It is all an evil plot by Satan to populate the earth with beings in his own image instead of those of his more handsome boss—God.”
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